and thecity
Beauty
November 2020
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ANd theCity
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Daddy hadn’t asked me if I wanted to wait to go to our house in South Hampton with him in the copter. Instead, his assistant texted last night,A car will be downstairs at nine in the morning to take youto thehouse. My brother, Dimitri, forwarded the text to both Daddy and me, adding,Really hate riding with Milan. Can take own car. Dimitri was six feet two with curly dark-brown hair cut in a close fade; dark-brown eyes with dark rims, like he was wearing eyeliner; and an earring—for edge of course. His smile was perfect, his teeth even straighter than mine. After two years of braces, he’d insisted on getting veneers. I don’t know if describing him as handsome would be enough for his ego, but for all the perfection on the outside, there was something dark and rotten on the inside. It wasn’t always that way—he used to be fun. Granted, that was when we were preteens and our mother was alive. Lately, we were barely acquaintances, only crossing paths because we had to, because we shared the same house. It was a quarter after nine as I sat in the car, looking at my pink-and-white Swarovski crystal watch. This was the third one I’d had this year. I dropped one on my way down the stairs at school. My other one, I left at a shoot in Milan. Ironic—I left my favorite watch in the city I was named after. Whenever Daddy upset me, I would think about going back to Milan to get that watch and not telling anyone. It would take him a week before he’d even notice I was gone. And then another week to think about checking my jet card.
The driver was loading the car with my summer luggage. Would Dimitri make it downstairs before the driver was done? He was probably arguing with Daddy since he’d forbidden Dimitri from driving to SH—South Hampton—in his own car because he’d never driven longer than thirty minutes at once. Daddy had also given Dimitri permission to drive Mama’s Ferrari around the island once we got out there. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Not that anyone would ever ask how I felt. My best friend, Sierra, would. She took care of me. To be fair, Sierra’s twin sister, Frenchy, was my best friend, too. No one had driven the Ferrari since Mama had. That was almost three years ago to the day. We always left for SH on the same day each year, one day after the last day of school. Daddy was always all too happy to ship us to our grandparents for the summer. The sunlight entered the back of the limo. I could feel a change in the air. There was a gentle breeze across my body. It was then I realized Dimitri was climbing in the car. He threw his phone down on the seat. I felt the phone vibrations pulse through my hand. I wanted to grab the phone off the seat and check his messages just to annoy him. Of course, he probably had some cryptic password I couldn’t guess. “Hi,” I said. He nodded. “I want to stop by the agency before we hit the road.” Dimitri shrugged. As the car started to move, I smiled. “You know, Dimitri, maybe this summer won’t be so bad.” “We can start with you not talking to me,” Dimitri said. Even with his head turned, I could read his lips. “That would improve things tremendously. Then ditching Gramps and Nana…Jokes’. With the Ferrari, I’m good.” “Don’t have any sleazes in Mama’s car!” I said. “I can have anybody I want in there.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about Mom again…You got it!” “Ever?” I asked. Dimitri looked at me, his glare piercing. “If you remembered Mom so much, you wouldn’t pretend you’re not deaf,” he signed.
The beginning of the end started the summer before senior year. Seventeen years old—a record year for me. I was just a girl. The only Milan on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Being the only anything in New York was rare. Like all girls, I had a secret. Being deaf was something I found easier to deal with when fewer people knew, so just before starting a new high school and after Mama’s accident, I reinvented myself. I left my hearing aid at home permanently, which made it difficult at times because I only had partial hearing in one ear to start with. Without my hearing aid, I really was in complete silence. Yet I had other skills that allowed me to communicate just fine. It wasn’t too soon after I started high school that I began modeling, and, well, the world looked at me in a way I sort of liked. But love—that was what confused me the most. I had found myself in a boy craze of the most peculiar predicament, in a tangled web that nearly took me under. They never warn you about love, and no magazine could ever do it justice. I'm just saying...
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“You would sign. You would be you. You wouldn’t have taken all those relentless speaking classes to learn how to speak flawlessly even though you can’t hear the sound of your own voice.” He paused for effect, and it worked: my cheeks flushed red. “Mom would think you’re the biggest poser of all. Me using the Ferrari would be nothing in comparison.” He looked out the window again. As an afterthought, he signed, “There’s nothing more to say.” Was it really that simple for him? “I’m not a poser! I’m just tired of being on the outside,” I said. Dimitri looked at me again so I could read his lips clearly. “You are a liar. You are on magazine covers and lying. How about you stop pretending to be a fake supermodel,” Dimitri sneered. “Fine. Call me a liar, but I’m not changing because you say I should.” My voice felt strained, and I wondered how it sounded. “This is the most you’ve said to me in the past six months combined. Why don’t you stop pretending you’re not my brother!” I did love Mama. Thoughts of her presented certain cruelty at times. I remembered who I used to be. She was part of me like threads are part of a Chanel suit. But in reality, threads are more than just a part of the suit. You can’t make it without them—they are the backbone of the darn thing. I smiled. I was so good at that. I just reminded myself,What did I have to be sad about? I had the life girls dreamed of.At least that’s what my shrink kept telling me. Until I stopped seeing her. Now she didn’t tell me anything. Once, Lisa, my agent, described me as charismatic. That word was on my mind for a week.Charismatic.Was that who I was? I didn’t know who I was supposed to be. Was I pretty, was I charismatic, was I smart, was I funny…was I still Milan? I don’t know why Dimitri did this. I was starting to doubt myself. Of course, I was Milan. We were here, Twenty-First Street, right off Park. There were so many stores downtown, and the new apartments across the street had my favorite coffee shop in the lobby. I made a mental note to grab a cup before heading back to the car The driver opened my door. “Ms. Milan.” “Thank you.” The air was crisp and refreshing, a direct contrast to the mood in the car. I couldn’t believe Dimitri called me a liar. I wasn’t a liar; technically, I never told anybody I could hear, but I also didn’t tell anybody Icouldn’t. Oh, whatever. I walked into the building as quickly as possible.The last week of school had been brutal
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“How are you?” she asked as we walked arm in arm back into her office. “Cool. Just stopping by on my way to the country.” “I’ll be there with Stewart this weekend. You two should meet.” “Yeah. Maybe we’ll do lunch?” “Sure, sweetie. Let me check the schedule.” Lisa scrolled through her phone. I made myself comfortable on the love seat at the back of her minimalist office, throwing my legs over the arm like I had no place to be. Wishful thinking. I needed a break from Dimitri. He was going way too Dr. Phil on me. He was probably just texting with one of his groupies anyway. “Why don’t we do lunch on Sunday?” Lisa asked. “Yeah.” “Come over to the house. Stew can lunch with us, too.” “I guess.” “Is everything okay?” Lisa brushed some loose hair away from my face. “I have to ride with my brother for three hours. He says about three words to me a week. Then today he goes off on this tangent about stuff.” “Oh, sweetie. Tell him I said hi. Get some R and R, sweetheart. Next week we have a major on Thursday. We need you fresh.” I felt lazy, but I got up to my feet. “Do you want Raul to make you a latte, honey?” “No, I have my eyes on the spot across the street.” “I think our lattes are better.” “Another time. I need strong stuff to deal with Dimitri.” “Before I forget…” Lisa walked to her desk and turned to face me so I could see her mouth as she spoke. “There are two…no, no…three groups we’re in talks with for you to do a PSA-type campaign for young deaf girls across the country, like you.” “Like me? I read lips. No one knows so far. Do they?” “I couldn’t say. No one would judge you wearing your hearing aid. This is such an image builder. Being who you are is more amazing than anything else, and editors will get that, designers will get that. If you want to read lips, that is fine. But this shouldn’t be a secret,” she said.
Finals crammed into two days because of the four shoots Lisa squeezed in for me. I was taking commercial classes since I was scheduled to shoot a commercial for lip gloss in the fall. If I kept my head focused on my calendar, I could forget about Dimitri. I took the elevator to the fifth floor and walked through the heavy metal door into the congested, traffic-laden agency. The all-white exposed-brick interior of the agency was fresh. No matter the scene, the agency had become my second home. Lisa was like family. No one could ever replace Mama, but at least Lisa was looking out for me. “Hey, Milan, baby,” Raul said. “Hello.” I waved coyly. “Booking set up two jobs for you today, and it’s only noon, babe! Nothing but couture for you from now on. We are waiting to hear back on something for that Undercover Starlet beauty deal now. We can’t forget where we came from. Still Milan from the block?” “The East Side, that is,” I said. “East Side! All right now.” Raul snapped his fingers. “You are so silly,” I laughed. “Is Lisa available?” “For you, always!” Raul buzzed Lisa. “Milan is here to see you,” he said over the intercom. Lisa walked out of her office and approached me with open arms. I gave her a big bear hug, the kind you get at family holiday dinners. Lisa was about five feet four, thin with curves on her bust and a little on her hips. She had shoulder-length dark-brown hair with highlights and kept her reading glasses around her neck. Most days, she dressed in tight-ankle pants, and every day, she wore a white button-down, sometimes sleeveless, sometimes short-sleeved, and sometimes it even had ruffles, but it was always white. I guess it made it easier to shop. She had fine lines around her smile, and her bright eyes were shaped like pennies.
I woke up as we were getting off the highway. I couldn’t believe I had been double-teamed by Lisa and Dimitri. Whatever. No one was going to change me. I knew what it was like before, and I liked my life now. More than two hours had passed. Dimitri was on his iPad playing Angry Birds. He was truly unbelievable. We used to play together. If I’d known things were going to turn out like this, I would have tried harder maybe.The greenery as we made our way through Montauk, New York, reminded me of the first time Noel spent the summer in SH with us. Noel’s mother had passed away that winter. I guess he really began living with us just that winter, but it felt like he’d been with us forever already. He’d brought this old Pac-Man portable game with him in the car. Everything about him was sort of rebellious and different. I liked that little arcade box you could sit on your lap. We took turns playing it on the way. Right before we got off the highway, it conked out. Then Noel asked Dimitri what he was playing “Solitaire,” Dimitri said. “Let’s play something together,” I signed.
I woke up as we were getting off the highway. I couldn’t believe I had been double-teamed by Lisa and Dimitri. Whatever. No one was going to change me. I knew what it was like before, and I liked my life now. More than two hours had passed. Dimitri was on his iPad playing Angry Birds. He was truly unbelievable. We used to play together. If I’d known things were going to turn out like this, I would have tried harder maybe.The greenery as we made our way through Montauk, New York, reminded me of the first time Noel spent the summer in SH with us. Noel’s mother had passed away that winter. I guess he really began living with us just that winter, but it felt like he’d been with us forever already. He’d brought this old Pac-Man portable game with him in the car. Everything about him was sort of rebellious and different. I liked that little arcade box you could sit on your lap. We took turns playing it on the way. Right before
What do you think people will think about that? Me revealing it after I’ve kept it a secret?” “They will think…” She moved back toward me and scanned my face in an odd manner like she was nervous. I was almost uncomfortable. “They’ll think you have it all. That opportunity in this world is for everyone and being deaf doesn’t stop you from being fabulous. They’ll say you’re cool, which you are. And you can draw attention to charities for the deaf. And more awareness for the deaf. Maybe hold a sign-language summit so more youth can learn to sign. You can inspire girls.” I scoffed. “No, they’ll change their minds about me. They’re going to think I’m weird. Once they know I’m deaf, they’re going to suddenly start saying I sound funny. Even though I took years of speech therapy to perfect my voice and had two surgeries to improve the little hearing I did have in my left ear. These are things I don’t want to talk about in an article or at a summit. I don’t want to do it. It’s going to change things. And I like things how they are. People don’t look at me like I am different.” I didn’t care what Lisa thought. I wasn’t going back to people feeling sorry for me.
Other people don’t have these opportunities. Don’t hide who you are. Make other girls like you proud.” I gave her a stern look. “Like me? Like I’m not like everyone else.” I signed instead of talking to see Lisa’s reaction. Lisa looked at me blankly. I chuckled. “Right there, you felt different from me. You were confused by my signing.” “No, I wasn’t. I just don’t sign,” Lisa said. “I should learn.” I looked at her pointedly. “Why don’t we both stay the same and never talk about this again? I read lips. I do my thing. It has been fine so far.” Lisa smoothed my hair. “I’m your agent. I also consider myself a family friend. Something about this is not right, Milan.” I wanted to tell her to get it straight. I was a normal girl. I just had to work a little harder at things. “I’m not ready to be the face of hearing-impaired girls. Not now.” “Clients—” Lisa started. I gave her a hug. “Bye, Lisa.” I left her office, looking forward to my coffee. Noel flashed in my mind.No Noel, I told myself.Just coffee.I was feeling more than a little down. Noel knew me. He knew I was a good person. He just had been away so long I didn’t know if he still loved me the way I loved him. “Bye, doll. Have a safe trip out,” Raul said.
Lisa grabbed my hand. It startled me. My peripheral vision wasn’t always what I thought it was. “You are authentic, unique, mysterious, and cheerful in a calming way.” Lisa looked me in the eyes. It was kind of intimidating, but I smiled.“Even on my best day with my best makeup, I never looked like you. But I would not hide show my face! This is part of who I am. I have my mother’s ears, my father’s nose, my grandfather’s eyes, and my own smile. I feel pretty. That’s all that counts. You are deaf and always have been. You are not the only one. Anything you need to make your life possible is possible.
“You didn’t want to play before,” Dimitri signed. “No, you didn’t want to play Pac-Man,” I countered. “It’s cool,” Noel signed and said. “Oh! Come on! Deal us in,” I signed. “Yeah, can we play poker?” Noel signed. Mama was quiet next to me, knitting a baby’s blanket for our neighbors in SH. It was sort of odd. I hadn’t seen her knit often. Dimitri started dealing three sets of cards on the food tray he had been using to play solitaire. I looked down at the blanket Mama was knitting. “How do you know when it is done?” I signed. “I measured the frame of it. So I know about how many rows across I need to make the size I’m looking for,” Mama signed. “Are you sure you know how to play poker?” Dimitri asked Noel. “I learned from my grandfather. We used to play for quarters,” Noel signed and said. “Up the ante and go risky. How about ten dollars, bro?” Dimitri said. “You have to actually pay the money when you lose. We know how you hate to part with money, D,” I signed. “How about you worry about opening that purple purse? Because that’s what you’ll have to do when you lose,” Dimitri said and signed. “I’ll shuffle next and deal,” Noel offered. “You kids should take turns shuffling and such,” Mama signed. “And no betting money—that is a bad habit. Come up with something else of value, like the winner doesn’t have to do chores for a week.” “What chores? We’re on a break, Mom,” Dimitri said. ““Don’t worry. I’ll do the same and then some,” Dimitri said. Noel crawled his fingers up my neck and behind my ear. “Stop.” I held my cards close to my chest. “You just want to see my cards,” I signed.“No,” he signed
“If you’re making my bed, I’m throwing the covers on the floor,” Noel signed and then laughed. Dimitri punched him in the arm. Noel curled his body away from Dimitri. “Just kidding.” “Don’tworry. I’ll do the same and then some,” Dimitri said. Noel crawled his fingers up my neck and behind my ear. “Stop.” I held my cards close to my chest. “You just want to see my cards,” I signed. “No,” he signed. I had a jack of hearts, a queen of spades, a ten of diamonds, a seven of hearts, and an eight of clubs.What the heck did that mean?I wondered. I tapped Mama, pulling her away from an intense round of knitting. She was fast with the needle. “What should I do?” I showed her my cards. She lifted up the ten, seven, and eight. “Trade these in,” she said. I put those on the tray. Dimitri dealt me three more cards. I reached for them, and then he put his hand out on top of them. “Getting help from Mom is not fair,” he signed. “This is my first time playing,” I signed. “Oh, Dimitri, I’ll only help her the first two rounds to get her started,” Mama signed. “That’s fair. She’s never played before.” “Fine.” He let my cards free. Noel put two cards in the pile and Dimitri dealt him two more. Then Dimitri traded in two cards and dealt himself two more. I received a jack of spades, a queen of hearts, and an ace of diamonds. I showed Mama. “These two are a pair, and these two are a pair,” she signed to me. She put each jack with each queen. “Want to raise the ante to two weeks of chores?” Dimitri asked and signed. “No,” I signed. “No,” Noel agreed. “Well, if I raise the ante and you both say no, then you fold,” Dimitri said. “Dimitri, be nice,” Mama said. “Keep it at one week for now, and let everyone get comfortable and relax. We’re on break.” “Whatever, this is boring,” Dimitri said. “Show your cards.” Noel put his down. He had three fives, an ace of hearts, and a two of diamonds. I put mine down. Then Dimitri slowly revealed his cards, putting them on the tray with the edge closest to him down first. He had all clubs: two, three, four, five, six.
You still have to keep your room clean and make your bed, young man. You should be tidy,” Mama said and signed. “Noel, you’ll learn not to mess up your covers so the bed is easy to make,” Dimitri said.
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I put mine down. Then Dimitri slowly revealed his cards, putting them on the tray with the edge closest to him down first. He had all clubs: two, three, four, five, six. Who wins?” I asked Mama. “I believe Dimitri does. See, you have two pairs, Noel has three of a kind, and Dimitri has a straight flush,” Mama said and signed. “Oh, man!” “Looks like we’ll be cleaning Dimitri’s room this week,” Noel said and signed. “Leave a mint on my pillow, bro,” Dimitri laughed. “If I win next round, we can call it a wash. Then we each clean our own room,” Noel signed. “Let me see that happen first. You look a little too happy for a loser,” Dimitri said. The memory faded as we pulled up to our tall steel gates engraved with the letter “M” for “Mercedes.” Grandpapa had already arrived, and he ran up to the car. Dimitri jumped out and gave him a head nod. “What up?” “Niño. How are you, Dimitri?” Grandpapa held his arms out wide. Dimitri walked right past him. “Where have you been?” Grandpapa asked Dimitri. “In school,” Dimitri said. It was only a matter of time before Grandpapa would get around to giving me the third degree about why I hadn’t seen him and Nana for two years. I hadn’t even joined them in SH last summer, and I couldn’t really verbalize my hiatus. “I made the dean’s list this semester,” Dimitri turned and said. “That’s my boy!” Grandpapa gave Dimitri a high five. Then Grandpapa set his eyes upon me, his only granddaughter. “Ay, how is my beautiful granddaughter?” he asked and signed. Grandpapa didn’t really know sign language that well, but he always tried. He was the sweetest grandpapa ever. I signed back, “Grandpapa!” Then I threw my arms around him and squeezed as tight as I could. “I missed you and Nana.Como es Nana?” Talking to Grandpapa was funny. He was from Ecuador, and Nana grew up a Southern Baptist, born in the pre-civil rights era. She knew a lot about the world. She was Daddy’s mother, but she and Mama were the best of friends.I had to string together practically the only Spanish words I had learned last semester. I didn’t even
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“Trabajo? Tu?No, no.You no need job,” he said. “I do need to work, Grandpapa. Houses in the Hamptons cost big bucks. I have to pay,” I laughed. “You silly girl,” Grandpapa signed. Dimitri joined us as we walked toward the house. “Why don’t you tell him about your modeling?” he asked. “Modeling? You smart girl. Too smart for model?” Grandpapa shook his head in disapproval. I was surprised Nana hadn’t told him. I had sent her a special frame with my first five covers and some of my best ad spreads from US and French magazines. Lisa had it made for me. I couldn’t look at it all the time; I’d only wonder if it was me. The only me I wanted to look at every day was the girl I saw in the mirror. Only, sometimes, the mirror confused me. Dimitri brushed past me. He slammed his duffel bag into my shoulder. I nearly fell over. He had a way of blindsiding me. “Are you okay?” Grandpapa caught me. “Dimitri!” Grandpapa shook his finger to say,No, no. Dimitri smiled. “Sorry.” “Grandpapa, Dimitri needs a place to stay. Can he live with you and Nana? He can’t get housing at school.”
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